The tantrums occur when children suffer great emotional arousal and are unable to calm themselves, sintendo difficulty self – manage emotions they are feeling.
Luckily for them, the little ones usually have their father and mother as well as other adults to be able to optimally manage their emotions and to be able to face those everyday problems and conflicts that occur in their childhood.
Usually as adults we tend to think that the infant stage is the happiest time in life. A stage that is almost always related to concepts and emotions such as happiness, joy, carelessness, well-being, etc.
Although this is much truth, we must not forget that children as well as adults have both positive emotions as negative emotions and may also feel frustration at those events that happen on a daily basis.
In the present article I will try to give you some guidelines so that in those moments when your children have a tantrum you can manage the situation in a simpler way as well as learn to calm them down and be able to comfort them.
Why do the kids cry?
For many adults it is difficult to understand and accept the crying and tantrums of their children.
It is very common that we find advice on parenting based on the tantrums of children that are contradictory in relation to what children need at that time.
Thinking that a crying child does it to get away with it and must learn to control himself is a decision that can affect both your child and your attachment relationship.
As an adult, surely when you feel like crying or being alone you give yourself permission to do so since that is surely what you want.
Imagine that you are angry because you just lost money and you just want to be angry and scream. Add to the situation that there is someone to whom you have great appreciation who does not respect your emotions and tries not to express your anger telling you that it is not so much and that all you want is to attract attention.
Perhaps with this example you understand the frustration that a child can feel when he is not allowed to express his anger and as an adult adopts behaviors to stop crying or kicking.
Crying is a normal response of the organism to stimuli that provoke intense feelings of sadness.
For children, crying is a way of demanding help from their caregivers. Crying can happen due to pain, hunger, separation or any other habitual cause that surpasses the baby’s ability to cope.
According to John Bowlby, father of the theory of attachment, the non-acceptance of a child’s negative emotions can also have negative consequences.
He also stated that children should be able to express their pain openly through crying during separation or loss situations. As well as anger towards their parents.
Children need to cry when something happens in their lives that causes them stress. Many sources of stress can exist in the lives of children, although as adults we think that their concerns should be minimal.
A child according to his age can be stressed by many situations, such as another child taking his toy, a meal he does not like or even being sleepy.
Although the stress of children will inevitably be present during childhood, parents can reduce this level of stress in them, providing a favorable environment for adaptation in which adults can respond and easily recognize the needs of the little ones
Remember that you are their reference model and their support. The child needs to have someone to cling to when he does not know how to manage correctly or simply what is happening to him or what he is feeling.
Adopting a behavior of indifference to the crying of your children can make the self-concept of children look battered as the message that comes to your child is not worthy of attention or consolation by such important figures as his father and his mother.
Otherwise, if the behavior adopted by parents is to punish the child in some way every time he cries, he will incorporate into his mental schemes a self-concept of himself in which he will decide not to express his feelings in a short, medium future and long term, since it will associate something harmful and negative stimuli.
It is understandable that sometimes your patience is not enough to contain the crying and tantrum of your child. That is why in this article I show you several tips so that in those moments of emotional intensity you can help the child to calm down and as an adult stabilize the situation successfully.
Tips to calm your children’s tantrum
1. Try to prevent frustration
A tired or hungry child will have a lower than normal level to tolerate frustration, so it is convenient that the basic needs of your child are covered because that way when he gets angry or sad his reaction will not be so elevated
2. Take a deep breath
Remember that you are the adult and you are the one who must maintain patience. Surely sometimes it is harder for you to try to let your child express his anger or sadness but think that adopting techniques to maintain calm, such as breathing deeply, will make the situation much more bearable for both.
3. Accompany it
No person whatever their age is pleasant to find themselves in a situation of loneliness when their feelings are overwhelmed. This is why when your child is crying it is very important that you are at his side if he requires it, in this way you will see that although at this moment he is sad or angry you will be accompanying him at all times to let him know that you are there for what he needs. .
4. Keep it safe
It is possible that when your child feels great anger or frustration the feeling of anger causes him to act with violence. It is very important to stop your behavior calmly if you see that someone can hurt you or you can hurt yourself.
If necessary, so that he can release his anger you can allow him to hit something so that he can not injure himself, such as a pillow.
5. Make him feel that you care about him
Maybe at first your child will not want to talk, give him time for the intensity of his behavior to diminish, although it will always be helpful to ask him about why he is crying or what is wrong with him.
Children tend to develop language comprehension skills earlier than verbal expression skills. That is why if the child is very young he will not know how to explain to you in detail what happens to him, it is your duty as an adult to try to find out what may have happened to cause that emotional reaction in your child.
6. Do not make fun of him
Perhaps when you find out why your child is angry or sad you think it is unimportant, but remember that he is still too young to learn to tolerate a high level of frustration as well as to be able to manage his emotions in a mature way.
It is important that you do not send your child a message of indifference to the reason why he cries.
Something to add at this point is that in the society in which we live it is not well seen to cry, kick or scream in public. It is important that you understand that this is a social concept and that your children are still learning to develop in the world in which we live so if they need to express themselves, let them do it with total freedom.
7. Show your support
Let your child know that when you need it, you will be there for what you may require. It is likely that once you have calmed down, you want to express what happened to you. Let him know that you will listen and you will try to help him and support him so that he can fit the situation.
Still, do not press him to speak if he does not want to do it yet. Also do not force it to stop crying or shut up, let it pass and be patient for calm.
8. Never lose the papers
It is understandable that sometimes you are about to lose patience, but under no circumstances use physical or verbal abuse towards your child.
This can cause emotional and psychological damage to the child. At those times your child needs understanding from his attachment figure.
In addition, you would be committing an abuse of power, since your son, being small, is not on equal terms with the violence that you can provide him.
9. Name the emotions
The fact that your child knows how to identify what he / she is feeling will help you to resolve the situation in a more calm way, since the ignorance of what emotions are and what they are called each of them, can make your child still feel worse, thus increasing the tantrum that is having at that time.
This is why the fact of teaching emotional intelligence to the child, explaining that he is feeling at this moment will give him greater tranquility and knowledge as well as self-knowledge of the frustration he is feeling.
Phrases like: “I understand that you feel angry because you lost your doll” or “Maria, right now you’re sad and you need to cry because the cookies are over” can make the tantrum have a shorter duration and decrease the intensity quickly.
Say them in a soft and loving tone, just as you would like them to talk to you if you were sad or angry.
In addition, your child will feel heard, understood and accompanied by what your attachment relationship will strengthen.
10. Use relaxation
A good method is also to teach the little ones to meditate. Meditation has many benefits, among which is the development of the capacity for self-relaxation.
If your child is still too young to learn to meditate, try to perform activities that can foster a peaceful state, such as avoiding loud noises, playing soft music, giving a relaxing bath … etc
11. Use a language that you can understand and put yourself at your level
Although children develop understanding skills very quickly, it is important that when you speak to them you do so in simple language that they can understand. Do not use very long phrases, very elaborate explanations or technicalities.
A soft tone of voice, as well as caresses (if you want to give them and do not move) can make the child calm down faster and better.
It is also recommended that you bend over and talk to him or interact with him in some way, as this will make you pay more attention and understand that you are not quarreling, but want to help.
In short, you can follow these steps whenever you want, although it is difficult that in a moment of emotional outburst you can carry out each and every one of them.
But calm, if little by little you apply them you will realize that simply by trying and with patience you will adopt this new model of upbringing and accompaniment.
Start to relate to your children the way you would have liked your parents to relate to you when you were little. Think it’s never too late to have a happy childhood.